House Clearing in Grief:
10 Ways To Support Yourself In Letting Go Of A Loved One's
Possessions
Copyright Beth Johnson, Clutter Workshop, 2007
1.
Invite someone to witness your process.
Letting go of things in isolation can be energy-draining.
Find a
trusted nonjudgmental friend to witness and validate your courage in parting with items;
it can make all the difference.
Find a local charity where you connect with the employees on a personal
level.
One of my favorite thrift shops has a director who believes that one third to
one half
of the people coming through her doors are dealing with grief issues, and she
treats everyone
accordingly.
Look for someone who will treat you and the items you are bringing
with respect.
2. Create a farewell gesture or ritual.
Add a loving goodbye gesture when letting go of an object.
It will help focus on the love, not the loss,
and also spread onward the love of the person who owned the object.
It could be as simple as saying a blessing as you let go of the object:
"Blessings on you, Mother,
and blessings on the person who receives this item,
that it may enrich their life."
One of my favorite rituals is to write an inscription on the flyleaf of a donated book.
Your inscription could include:
- the date
- who this book belonged to
- what it meant in their life
- how you hope the book will bring enjoyment to the new owner.
3. Let time make a difference.
If an item proves extremely difficult,
lay it aside for the moment and revisit it at a later date.
It is amazing how our perception of an object can change
as our lives shift and move forward.
Personal example:
I had a beautiful blue velvet robe of my Mother's, which I even went so far as to "rescue"
from the nursing home where she had her last stay. For a year it brought me great comfort
every time I saw it sitting folded in a corner.
But revisiting my feelings a year later, I realized that it no longer brought me pleasure, but
only a sharp feeling of pain. I considered shoving it into a drawer. But then it would become a
dead object subject to the whims of moths and the ravages of time.
I chose instead to take it to a local charity that I trusted.
I displayed the item to them and explained its significance,
and sent it on its way with a blessing.
The memory is a very positive one.
4. Recognize that you can keep the love and the memories
while letting go of the physical item.
Try to separate your feelings of the loss of your loved one
from the feelings associated with giving away one of their possessions.
Create a scale from zero to 10,
and give your feelings of
distress over your human loss a number,
most likely the number 10 as the highest distress imaginable.
Then use that same scale to give a number to your feeling of distress
over giving away one of their
possessions.
Jot down the number for the object, and refer to it later,
so that you will see how distress can decrease over a period
of time.
If you see that the distress level for the object loss has decreased,
it will make it easier to let go of items in the future.
5. Ask yourself questions as to why you want to keep the object.
Here are some questions you might want to ask:
- "Do I have a use for the object in my life?"
- "Do I find it beautiful and will it bring me pleasure?"
OR
- "Is it that I will feel guilty if I let it go?"
If it is the last question that you are asking,
recognize that you do not let go of the love and the memories in letting go of the object.
6. Create an imaginary dialogue with the person who has passed away.
This is a more advanced step, and only do it when and if you are ready.
This pretend dialogue can be a very powerful tool, and is a follow-up to Step 5.
After you ask YOURSELF questions
about why you want to keep a particular object, then create a dialogue with your
departed loved one,
to ask THEIR thoughts on the importance of the object.
Ask them what they would ideally like to see happen with the item.
Also, ask their permission to let go if the object is clogging your life or causing you to struggle.
If they love you, certainly they
will help you in releasing.
7. Keep the most treasured possessions as symbolic of the rest.
It's not a matter of all or nothing. You will want to keep some items that are representative.
Create a featured area for these special items, whether a box or a chest or a display corner.
I used my wooden high chair from childhood like an altar and decorated it with meaningful items.
Sometimes the selection of meaningful items will be easy, like a family diary.
Other times it may be a seemingly trivial item that is of key importance to you.
Realize that there is no right or wrong in this process.
8. Journal about the experience.
Keep either a notebook or a tape recorder handy,
so that you can release emotion
by writing or talking through the process of letting go.
9. Take photographs of items before letting them go.
Keeping a photo may be just as good as keeping the item.
You can put it in a file box or paste into a photo album.
Combine your photos with your journaling for a powerful memory book.
10. Connect with others.
Find a grief support group,
and/or a declutter support group,
online or in person.
In closing:
It's hard enough to take action when you are overwhelmed with a house filled with clutter.
It's harder still if the contents of that house belonged to a departed loved one and
you are also overwhelmed with grief.
Hopefully these 10 tools I have given you will support you through the process.
I would love to hear from you as to what works for you at
beth@clutterworkshop.com
Copyright Beth Johnson, Clutter Workshop, 2007
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